Respect my NO!

Hello Flower Tribe,

The other day, my eldest daughter, was really pushing to get her way. She was extremely persistent in asking for what she wanted and although she tried to dress up her request in multiple forms it still came back to the same old thing. As my patience withered away by the 3rd request I replied, " You know honey, I need you to respect my no because in doing so it will teach you to make other people respect yours."

That brought me to a prolific space. I wondered, "Had I missed this lesson as a child?"

As mothers and women we are taught the importance of loving through giving. In childhood, we learn from sharing and playing that it is important to give to others even if we don't want to or do not feel like it. As women, we learn the importance of giving our all to our families, children, and partners because it is the right thing to do. But in the midst of all of the sharing and giving when do we ever practice respecting our own needs? How do we learn to create boundaries for ourselves and children?  And how can we teach our children to respect our no, if we cannot do the same for ourselves?

I began to do some digging into my own life and analyzing how I may or may not have been respecting my own no. I started recalling instances where I knew that I did not feel like doing something, but I still talked myself into doing it. I came up with a list of commitments and experiences where I violated my own boundaries to appease the needs of others. I even overbooked myself, canceled other commitments and missed out on other things that I rather do to make people feel happy. It did not feel good to say, but I had been practicing the very opposite of what I was trying to teach my daughter.

We frequently talk about the importance of practicing self-love and self-care, but an essential piece to that discussion is the inclusion of respect and boundary setting. In fact, the best way to teach someone how to love and respect you is by watching your own demonstration.

Equally important, with all of the adversity, inequality and violation of women's and girl's spaces, I analyzed how not saying no stands in opposition to the work that is being done by women everywhere... how it limits our voices and denotes our needs... how it stands in opposition to our advocacy. It is imperative as women that we practice saying "no," not just for ourselves, but for women everywhere.

So, after all of this reflection I was finally ready to do the work! I went back to the root of where I learned to not accept my no. I reflected on conversations and lessons where I was told, " I should do...." or "It's the right thing to do..." despite having major reservations to do the exact opposite. Disclaimer: I realize that sometimes, these moral convictions are important because they teach us to honor and respect  others, however, respecting others should not come at our own expense, contradict our morals and/or values, or violate any of our boundaries.

In recognizing the gap between my past practices and new realizations, I created a few lessons that I will carry with myself and teach my children.  

Lesson about the word "no."

1. No is a full answer. Learn to respect and accept this response.

2. Saying "no" does not mean you love someone or someone loves you any less.

3. Saying "no" establishes boundaries for yourself and other people.

4. Be clear about your desires. (Stand firm in your no.)

5. Make sure your decisions & choices reflect your boundaries, priorities and morals. Anything that stands in opposition is a clear no.

6. Honor your feelings. YOU matter.

7. It is hard to get others to respect what you don't practice.

Feel free read, share, and add on to these as need be.

Love,

Courtney

Tee is available on the website: www.onesun3flowers.com

About the author: 

Courtney Brookins is a mother, poet, author and educator. She published her first book, Flowering Yourself, which is a collection of poems. She is also the co-founder of  OneSun3Flowers with her two daughters, which is an empowerment and leadership organization for women, girls, mothers and daughters centered around practicing self-care and building healthy relationships.

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